Aside from the fact that, as a writer and actress, Guiding Light and the love story of Otalia (Olivia and Natalia) are inspiring me on so many professional levels, as well as just giving me hope for television as a viewer, I have to say that it is touching me on several personal levels as well. Not the least of which is the inclusion of faith and religion. I am a gay Christian and it has taken me years to figure out how to mesh those two very important aspects of myself and my life.
I grew up in a strong Christian family, going to church every Sunday, with Sunday school and services, catechism on Weds nights, singing in the church choir, going to summer church camp, on and on it went. The church that I grew up in was my second home and extended family. It wasn’t an obligation. I loved going! I had a very strong, albeit somewhat blind faith growing up, but even then, it was such a huge part of my life and identity. Thankfully I can look back and say that my Christian upbringing was very positive. No Hell and Damnation. It was all about love. I’m a Lutheran, and our church was all about Grace = unconditional love and forgiveness, freely given by God through the death and resurrection of Jesus Chirst, which washes away all sin. We are redeemed by faith and love, through our personal relationship with God and our acceptance of God’s grace. It’s that simple. It’s all about the Love!
Lutheranism was the first “spin off” of Catholicism, as Martin Luther began the Reformation by protesting against all the human corruption that had taken over the church for centuries, which dismissed the core meaning of what being a Christian was all about. He was the one to say, Look, it’s not about how much money you give the church, and how many Hail Mary’s you say, and how often you confess to a priest in order to get absolution. Jesus is the only sacrifice you need. Jesus is the only “priest” you need to confess to. All it takes is s personal, one on one relationship with God, being truly repentant of your sins and asking for forgiveness, praying for help when you or others are in need, asking for guidance and wisdom when you are lost… that’s it. You are forgive, unconditionally. You are loved, unconditionally. God is there for you always, loving and supporting you and giving you all you need. “Open the door and He will come to you. Ask and you shall receive.” The rest of it, doing good, being good, sharing love, etc is about responding to what God has given you. You don’t do good in order to be forgiven and be loved by God. You do good and are good as a response to God’s Grace, not as a prerequisite. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” “So you do it to the least of them, you do it unto Me.” Etc.
One thing I did get drilled into me from the church and my parents was no sex before marriage. For whatever reason, subconsciously I developed a fear of sex in general. In fact, watching soap operas with my mom (GL being the one I watched the most), I learned that sex lead to all kinds of trouble. LOL! In fact, quite often, when a character would do something bad or wrong, my mom would turn to me, point her index finger, and say, “Now you know you aren’t suppose to do that.” Or “If I ever catch you doing that…” And I would respond, “Yes, Mom. I know.” And I did. I was too scared of doing the wrong thing and getting into trouble, that I saw and understood very clearly what was “right” and “wrong” behavior. (Thanks GL for the education!)
I was a rather sheltered child, living in a very stable, loving home. Except for my own inner angst of being overweight and shy, leading to a lifetime of poor self-image and low self-esteem (a constant battle to overcome), I have lived a pretty great life! My faith and loving family have been at the core of that happiness. I questioned my sexuality all through high school, mainly because I wasn’t all that boy crazy like the other girls. I had a crush or two, here and there, but I wasn’t into making out and having sex and all that stuff. I excused it as simply wanting to be a “good girl”, but the truth was, I just had no interest in being physically intimate with boys. I liked them as friends, and longed for their attention and interest, but more to prove my own attractiveness than anything else. Society dictated who should be attracted to me, and vice verse, so that’s what I looked for. Besides, I was far more interested in being an actress than chasing after boys, many of whom only wanted sex anyway. I focused on my dreams of a future career, not getting married and having kids. And because I was so afraid of sex, I didn’t date much, staying very chaste, innocent, and remarkably naïve.
My understanding of sexuality was mighty warped. I didn’t know that much about homosexuality, and knew nothing about bisexuality. It was pretty black and white, like the classic movies I grew up watching and loving. But I knew enough to wonder why I wasn’t that into boys, and why I was much more interested in female characters in movies and on tv than I was male characters. All my favorite performers and characters were women. I would be drawn to a show or film for them, not for the men. Dense little me spent a lot of time excusing this as simply me studying actresses because I wanted to be an actress. But the love and passion I felt for performers like Julie Andrews, Ginger Rogers, Doris Day, Hayley Mills, and yes, even Maeve Kinkead (my favorite actress on GL), went beyond just loving them as performers. I was just too in denial to admit it.
Finally, in collage I began to meet and make friends with many gay people. I was a theatre major! How could I not. It wasn’t that I grew up with “gay is evil” shoved down my throat. My church and parents really never talked about it. It was its invisibility and the fear of the unknown, combined with innuendos from society (family, friends, and the media) that being “like that” was wrong, which kept me in the dark about what being gay really meant. It was different than the “norm” so it must be wrong. But as an adult I learned to think for myself and realized that there was nothing wrong with being gay. My friends were awesome people. Why should anyone care who they are attracted to and who they love? Love is love. So by the time life actually forced me to look at and consider my own sexuality (I was pretty much a-sexual up to that point), it didn’t take me long to realize and accept that I was more attracted to women than men.
As comfortable as I was with that idea, there was the question of how that fit with my “religion”, or what I quickly simplified to be, my faith. I think deep down I knew my relationship with God wouldn’t change, but my relationship with the church would or might. I started distancing myself from the church. I even read extensively about other religions, but always came back to the core of my beliefs. Finally, after living in LA for a few years, I found a gay friendly church and rediscovered my love of the Christian community. I reinvested in my relationship with God, realizing that I had been ignoring Him and trying to go it alone… leading to misery. I was reborn in many ways, to a more open and stronger faith. I was reminded of what I had been taught in church as a child, God’s Grace is all you need, and by accepting it you will want to share it and live it. The “church” is going through major changes, as more and more congregations are opening up their doors and hearts to LGBT people. I’ve even found a Lutheran church that is extremely welcoming and supportive of me. Times are a changin’, and mores the better. I believe we are in a new age of reformation.
Needless to say, when I discovered that the GL character, Natalia, was a Christian, I was intrigued. The more I learn about her, the more I identify with her. I too had this ideal of what romantic love and marriage was. I even had a crush on a guy who fit the image of my “perfect man." Thankfully God knew better and intervened, and we never got together, but I held onto that ideal for a long time. I’m still waiting for my Olivia, but over time I have come to accept and understand who I am and how all aspects of me fit together, including my faith and sexuality. It’s not an either/or. As long as love is at the core of self and life, you can’t go wrong. And that is what I see in Otalia. That is what they are slowly figuring out. And it’s beautiful!
I love GL for bringing the realities of faith and unconditional love into this story. The story and the characters are far richer for it, as are we the viewers.
God bless. And thanks for reading.
Music Monday: Robyn Times
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